I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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