Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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