My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
