There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
