can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
