A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
