i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
