Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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