I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
