im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
