I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
