she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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