I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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