But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize