she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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