May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
