ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
