thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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