Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
