He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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