you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
