last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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