I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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