This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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