So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
