Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
