I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
