I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
