I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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