She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
