he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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