i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
