where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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