party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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