i already hear my dad disowning me
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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