My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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