You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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