I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
