I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
