the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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