everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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