I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
