Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
