Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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