Ambien. No doubt about it.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
