either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
