I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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