Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
