I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
