i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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