Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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