She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
my liver is dry heaving
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
