i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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