omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
